Thursday, November 15, 2007
my name is racoon. i live on the third floor...
i live on the top floor of a rowhouse. there's an adorable little balcony that has a mess of plants, pumpkins, cute candleholders, whathaveyou. lately, my pumpkins have been munched. then my plants got all dug up. then i started hearing sounds in the walls. one morning i heard the quick repetitive thump of what would be something scratching. dang squirrels i thought...until i came home to a total mess - cat food everywhere, little paw prints on everything...and these two 'coons just ambled on over to shred my basil. my cat was trembling under a chair and these guys were just chillin'. even came closer for the photo.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
do i have yellow fever?
no, i don't have a thing for asians...i got my vaccinations yesterday for my trip. it was like shopping at a drive-thru window "you want polio with that?" the nurse was happily adding these wonderful concoctions to my menu, when i asked if my health insurance might cover some of the fees. "Sure! want a lollipop? you're so brave!" what joy. when i went to the desk on my way out, they didn't even let me finish my sentence
"do you take -"
CASH OR CREDIT
so there went $300. not including the malaria pills that cost a mere $10 each. that's like 3 falafels! the choice was either hurt the wallet or hurt the brain - lariam has some known psychotic effects - i'm crazy enough already thanks!
the nest day is when the aches set in. ooooh the aches. like someone is driving a nail into my elbow. my arm, i can't lift it enough to scratch my chin and these hot and cold flashes. i'll give it another couple hours to see what happens. so this is what it's like to get yellow fever? happy halloween eh?
"do you take -"
CASH OR CREDIT
so there went $300. not including the malaria pills that cost a mere $10 each. that's like 3 falafels! the choice was either hurt the wallet or hurt the brain - lariam has some known psychotic effects - i'm crazy enough already thanks!
the nest day is when the aches set in. ooooh the aches. like someone is driving a nail into my elbow. my arm, i can't lift it enough to scratch my chin and these hot and cold flashes. i'll give it another couple hours to see what happens. so this is what it's like to get yellow fever? happy halloween eh?
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
here we go
i’m going to
hate to ruin the fantasy, but i’m going to spend most of the time in the 5 star hotel (5 stars by
so i’ll write some updates tho, maybe post a nice screen shot of the little “percent complete” meter, a photo of my breakfast, or maybe bring back some souvenirs made out of flip flops. i'll keep a posted.
Monday, October 15, 2007
monkin' it
during an endless don't-get-to-check-email-or-even-answer-the-phone 8 hour session with a consultant today i glanced out my office window and saw THE dalai lama getting out a limo and pimpin' on into the park hyatt. now THAT dude is a monk. there were all these people and children dancing around him, singing, and he was blessing these dudes with golden tasseled trays on their heads. it was like "serenity now" descended on the entire block. i wonder if hell come to my bbq on saturday. i just came up with the theme of my halloween pumpkin.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
devotion
there's a guy outside my office window, in the alley behind the hotel, in between a delivery truck and a dumpster on his rug praying to the north. it's rather bittersweet. a security guard just came out to smoke, and the man snuck away.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
craigslist is always amazing
i'm playing tennis this weekend against a 74 year old woman with her own court and coach. it was organized by my dad, like every year, and against my will. anyway, the past few years i've lost and it's been embarassing so this year, i wanted some lessons. where else to turn to? craigslist of course. oooh craigslist, with your infinite supply of crazy people - what would we do without CL?
so i met up with "Ron" from precision tennis inc. for our first tennis "lesson" this morning.
he was tall, looked a lot the the statue of David, wore scrubs, and a fanny pack that held one tennis ball, which i presume he stole from his cell mate at the mental hospital. he hit our one ball over the fence on his first swing, and i then had to go into the woods to find more and "learn the true value of the ball." he hacked at every swing sreaming "hiyaaaaah!" like he was a mexican with a machete, or a cowboy on a horse, and would go into this twirling dervish dance when he wasn't swatting at invisible flies. his "serve" was underhand and he swore it was a million miles an hour and would ace Federer. "never saw anything like that, didja! huh?" and then he actually taught me to shit talk against "they" these people who were always after him, ganging up on him....like we were preparing for war. he reminded me a lot of that greek tennis pro Milos, from Seinfeld who totally sucks and asks Jerry to let him win, and then calls him a sissy boy. anyway, he told me to tell 'them' "when to go to bed, and when they're dead." which is golden advice, given the age of this weekend's opponent.
he described three important rules to tennis:
1) timing
2) flow
3) precision flow. which i guess is different from number 2. i was lectured on precision flow for 20 minutes. i still don't know what it is, but i don't have it. there were still a lot of constructive comments like "let it bounce first" or, "whip it more" and "do a little leap after your volley, it will make you feel lighter." the people on the court next to us stopped playing to laugh.
at $15 an hour, it's definitely worth the entertainment. oh, and once i paid (i had to slide the money into his racket cover like it was a drug deal) a cop drove by and he ran full speed into the woods.
Totally. Awesome.
so i met up with "Ron" from precision tennis inc. for our first tennis "lesson" this morning.
he was tall, looked a lot the the statue of David, wore scrubs, and a fanny pack that held one tennis ball, which i presume he stole from his cell mate at the mental hospital. he hit our one ball over the fence on his first swing, and i then had to go into the woods to find more and "learn the true value of the ball." he hacked at every swing sreaming "hiyaaaaah!" like he was a mexican with a machete, or a cowboy on a horse, and would go into this twirling dervish dance when he wasn't swatting at invisible flies. his "serve" was underhand and he swore it was a million miles an hour and would ace Federer. "never saw anything like that, didja! huh?" and then he actually taught me to shit talk against "they" these people who were always after him, ganging up on him....like we were preparing for war. he reminded me a lot of that greek tennis pro Milos, from Seinfeld who totally sucks and asks Jerry to let him win, and then calls him a sissy boy. anyway, he told me to tell 'them' "when to go to bed, and when they're dead." which is golden advice, given the age of this weekend's opponent.
he described three important rules to tennis:
1) timing
2) flow
3) precision flow. which i guess is different from number 2. i was lectured on precision flow for 20 minutes. i still don't know what it is, but i don't have it. there were still a lot of constructive comments like "let it bounce first" or, "whip it more" and "do a little leap after your volley, it will make you feel lighter." the people on the court next to us stopped playing to laugh.
at $15 an hour, it's definitely worth the entertainment. oh, and once i paid (i had to slide the money into his racket cover like it was a drug deal) a cop drove by and he ran full speed into the woods.
Totally. Awesome.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
don't think, just jetset
when someone invites you to a castle party in the south of france, and you just used up all your vacation time in france, well i'm sorry, i don't care how you do it, you just suck it up and go. pay now, think later! and you'll find yourself in the company of other people who do this shit all the time, flying from country to country, lavish affairs, and yyyeah. and then you wish you had an outfit from that jetsetter episode of project runway. Uli i needed you!
btw. at castle parties you eat lamb roasted on a spit. pre-dinner prep looks like a murder scene.
btw. at castle parties you eat lamb roasted on a spit. pre-dinner prep looks like a murder scene.Wednesday, August 8, 2007
how to speed up a transatlantic flight
-first of all, if you're flying icelandair expect to have a really small, really crappy old plane that doesn't have your own personal movies and games. no, it's old school. the tv hangs from the ceiling 5 rows up so you need binoculars. and your sound probably won't work. but then again the movie is ferris bueller or something to that effect which you know by heart so just make sure you have tunes to provide your own soundtrack.
-oh and bring a sweater. it's effing freezing cold in iceland. even in august!
-they charge you $6 these days for a drink. it's craziness. good thing they sell mini bottles of booze and wine at duty free for real cheap. if you're in a civilized country like in Europe they'll let you bring it on the plane in a sealed plastic bag. if you're smart you ask them to put it in a -different bag than the rest of your booze. pop open some vodka for your aperitif, a few bottles of red for dinner, and a nice grand marnier to put you to sleep afterwards. don't make eye contact with the stewardess or she'll know what you're up to.
-when you're done with your plastic cup, slip it under your armpit and turn to the person next to you. "man, my neck hurts, these seats are horribly uncomfortable." turn your head and squish the cup for a nice crrrrrrrunch.
-when they pass around those custom forms asking you how many goods you're bringing into the country ask out loud "does the money paid for that prostitute count as a good or service?"
-make sure NO ONE knows about the pate and saucisson that are stinking up your suitcase.
-cross your fingers and hope the olive oil didn't explode.
-oh and bring a sweater. it's effing freezing cold in iceland. even in august!
-they charge you $6 these days for a drink. it's craziness. good thing they sell mini bottles of booze and wine at duty free for real cheap. if you're in a civilized country like in Europe they'll let you bring it on the plane in a sealed plastic bag. if you're smart you ask them to put it in a -different bag than the rest of your booze. pop open some vodka for your aperitif, a few bottles of red for dinner, and a nice grand marnier to put you to sleep afterwards. don't make eye contact with the stewardess or she'll know what you're up to.
-when you're done with your plastic cup, slip it under your armpit and turn to the person next to you. "man, my neck hurts, these seats are horribly uncomfortable." turn your head and squish the cup for a nice crrrrrrrunch.
-when they pass around those custom forms asking you how many goods you're bringing into the country ask out loud "does the money paid for that prostitute count as a good or service?"
-make sure NO ONE knows about the pate and saucisson that are stinking up your suitcase.
-cross your fingers and hope the olive oil didn't explode.
Monday, July 16, 2007
things to do with a friday off
my office announced every other friday off this summer. yesssss! this is what i did with mine:
1. pay a visit to a poor friend in an underground cubicle...and happen to see Condi in the hallway
2. go see a summer blockbuster, and then another one in the theater next door. it's hot outside. sit in the front row. have some dude sit down and pass around chicken wings from hooters. then watch him pour rhum in his liter of coke. toast him with your king can of sapporo.
3. bike to the awakening statue and kiss it goodbye before it moves to Maryland
4. chat with some fishermen, count the dead catfish in the potomac
5. lose the key to your bike lock; get cops to cut it for you. imagine how easy it could be to steal bikes in this way.
6. go to the national aquarium. it's actually a lot better than it used to be, though still not worth the $5. especially with the blatant typos, like the exhibit entitled: "CNMI: The Commonwealth of the Northern Marina Islands." but it's just too easy to sneak in.
1. pay a visit to a poor friend in an underground cubicle...and happen to see Condi in the hallway
2. go see a summer blockbuster, and then another one in the theater next door. it's hot outside. sit in the front row. have some dude sit down and pass around chicken wings from hooters. then watch him pour rhum in his liter of coke. toast him with your king can of sapporo.
3. bike to the awakening statue and kiss it goodbye before it moves to Maryland
4. chat with some fishermen, count the dead catfish in the potomac
5. lose the key to your bike lock; get cops to cut it for you. imagine how easy it could be to steal bikes in this way.
6. go to the national aquarium. it's actually a lot better than it used to be, though still not worth the $5. especially with the blatant typos, like the exhibit entitled: "CNMI: The Commonwealth of the Northern Marina Islands." but it's just too easy to sneak in.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
costco: your source for pet urns
so i'm on the costco website, looking for a new TV, yes, a super-awesome-flat-screen-mounts-on-the-wall TV when I misclick the 'funeral' category and find myself perusing the pet urns.
my kitty is pushing 100 in cat years, and what better way to remind me of her constant puking on my rug and clawing at my eyelids? and at $59.99, way cheaper than taxidermy!
the photo of the orange tabby is particularly disturbing, though. man, if i ever came across that thing, i would say it ought to die.
my kitty is pushing 100 in cat years, and what better way to remind me of her constant puking on my rug and clawing at my eyelids? and at $59.99, way cheaper than taxidermy!the photo of the orange tabby is particularly disturbing, though. man, if i ever came across that thing, i would say it ought to die.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
sexy texting: the SEXT
so phone sex, IM sex, online dating? pff it's all a thing of the past because i'm telling you, blackberry DC! it's all about the texting sex, a.k.a. the 'sext.' it's instantaneous, it's discreet, it's anywhere. calling someone on the phone? well that's just awkward. even checking your messages these days is a pain in the ass " you have 2 new messages...to listen, press one then wait forever..." blah blah blah not fast enough!! and now, with all the new techbology you can add pictures and shit? aw yeah.
it's a whole new world just waiting to be exploited, folks. don't even think twice about it, you can sext in an airport or at work, everywhere but in a metro tunnel for those of us not on Sprint. a friend of mine, he sent a sext to his lady earlier this week, and it's been 48 hours sans reply. as a result, i think he's sextually frustrated. to his lady, that's just harsh babe. unlike a computer, your phone goes with you everywhere, so there's no excuse! are you withholding sext for strategic power? tsk.
so next time you're sitting on the bus next to some nerd who gets a sext and smiles, you can think "well, at least he's gettin' some."
the point is, everyone is doing it. you should too.
it's a whole new world just waiting to be exploited, folks. don't even think twice about it, you can sext in an airport or at work, everywhere but in a metro tunnel for those of us not on Sprint. a friend of mine, he sent a sext to his lady earlier this week, and it's been 48 hours sans reply. as a result, i think he's sextually frustrated. to his lady, that's just harsh babe. unlike a computer, your phone goes with you everywhere, so there's no excuse! are you withholding sext for strategic power? tsk.
so next time you're sitting on the bus next to some nerd who gets a sext and smiles, you can think "well, at least he's gettin' some."
the point is, everyone is doing it. you should too.
Friday, June 29, 2007
what you're doing on friday nite
...going to 9:30 club. why? because it's only $10, and there's going to be cello. and a disco funk band. and because admit it, you have nothing else to do.
friday, june 29th. be there.
friday, june 29th. be there.
Monday, June 25, 2007
leaf blowers [should] SUCK
every morning as i bike down florida past S street some guy wearing a SARS mask calmly blows leaves, dust, dirt and other garbage into my eyes ears nose and throat with his loud, annoying leaf blower. the next day, the maintenance guy across the street will blow the same crap off of his sidewalk with his own infernal machine. oh, he's wearing a mask too, because it's so dusty and nasty, and my face, once again is a filter. WTF?
who invented these things are why are they allowed to be used in DC or anywhere at all? all it does is blow shit somewhere else for someone else to deal with. at least blow it into Virginia or something. what a useless, gas using, polluting piece of SHIT. i can't think of anything worse than sweeping something under the rug. these leaves, they bother me,instead of picking them up, let me just put them over here. and do it really LOUDLY. it's the stupidest shit ever.
might i suggest a leafblower that instead sucks, maybe actually picks up the leaves into some sort of receptacle so they may be contained and disposed of, perhaps composted? now that's a crazy idea. what ever happened to the old fashioned rake? if you ask me, "what is the stupidest human invention ever?" i tell you: the leaf blower. fucking IDIOTS.
who invented these things are why are they allowed to be used in DC or anywhere at all? all it does is blow shit somewhere else for someone else to deal with. at least blow it into Virginia or something. what a useless, gas using, polluting piece of SHIT. i can't think of anything worse than sweeping something under the rug. these leaves, they bother me,instead of picking them up, let me just put them over here. and do it really LOUDLY. it's the stupidest shit ever.
might i suggest a leafblower that instead sucks, maybe actually picks up the leaves into some sort of receptacle so they may be contained and disposed of, perhaps composted? now that's a crazy idea. what ever happened to the old fashioned rake? if you ask me, "what is the stupidest human invention ever?" i tell you: the leaf blower. fucking IDIOTS.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
what america are you talking about?
on CNN.com today there's a story about Iraqi refugees. there are millions of them in the middle east, yet only 500 are allowed into the U.S. oh gee, right. refugees, forgot about them, sorry dude. i wonder how many refugees the US creates on a daily basis. thousands?
so they interview this family that fled to turkey and though the town sounds quite nice and picturesque (i would go there) they hate it. they can't work, they're totally poor, don't speak the language and they're not accepted. so they've been allowed to come to the U.S. and they're all psyched and here is one of their quotes:
"Whatever is in America," Toma says, "it will be a thousand times better than what we had in Iraq or Turkey because there are work opportunities. There is no discrimination, no hatred."
huh huh, i can tell you what's in America, Toma, a whole shitload of discrimination and hatred. racism, ignorance, too. and the same people who want us over there to blow your shit up who still don't know a sunni from a shiite from a kurd from a sikh. oh man, if it's anything like what those poor lost boys are facing...you better watch your back, buddy!
so they interview this family that fled to turkey and though the town sounds quite nice and picturesque (i would go there) they hate it. they can't work, they're totally poor, don't speak the language and they're not accepted. so they've been allowed to come to the U.S. and they're all psyched and here is one of their quotes:
"Whatever is in America," Toma says, "it will be a thousand times better than what we had in Iraq or Turkey because there are work opportunities. There is no discrimination, no hatred."
huh huh, i can tell you what's in America, Toma, a whole shitload of discrimination and hatred. racism, ignorance, too. and the same people who want us over there to blow your shit up who still don't know a sunni from a shiite from a kurd from a sikh. oh man, if it's anything like what those poor lost boys are facing...you better watch your back, buddy!
Monday, June 18, 2007
crazy people who write letters
so, we get tons of letters sent to my organization, and just so you know, we read every single one of them. from the kids who thank us for happy animals and draw tigers and ask if we like horses to the more crazier fans. some of the better ones are happily passed around to our friends for some good hearty laughs.
this was faxed in last week and is bout 20 pages long. here's a lovely except: "Underwear is the symbol for Gods control of the weather and natural disasters worldwide." makes you think.
Friday, June 15, 2007
it was a face melter
if you heard from guitar shredding riffs emanating from the basement of asylum last night, that was me, kicking some pimply faced couch potato ass at guitar hero. kicking over chairs, stepping on drinks, playing behind my head - it's a shame style points don't count. i lost by two notes. two fucking notes!
Monday, June 11, 2007
revenge? it's ON
when i find the rat bastard mutherbitch who stole the front AND back license plates of a car i'm driving whose owner is in europe - there will be NO MERCY! also, it would be useful if i had the keys. their whereabouts are currently 'unknown,' last seen at my yard sale (which generated over $300 in sales thankyouverymuch. aurelgrooves necklaces sold like hotcakes!).
anyway, this untagged car is my moving vehicle to my new apartment and transportation to new jersey wedding. humpf. this is going to be a great week! yes! awesome!
anyway, this untagged car is my moving vehicle to my new apartment and transportation to new jersey wedding. humpf. this is going to be a great week! yes! awesome!
Friday, June 8, 2007
pirates of the CRAP!
saw pirates of the caribbean at the uptown last weekend. within the first 10 minutes of the movie, i was terribly saddened by the content that made the 9 year-old in front of me cry uncontrollably...children at the gallows is so Disney! it was obvious dad really wanted to be here more than kid, thereby ignoring the PG-13 rating...anyway 2 hours later, after a long string of scenes that don't seem to last more than 2 seconds before veering wildly off course i turn to my left
"i have no idea what's going on"
"neither do i"
"why are the chinese guys pissed off?"
"who's that guy?"
"what do they all have against johnny depp?"
"keira knightly is so fat"
"let's go get a drink"
and thus we walked home through the zoo, not knowing it was closing, but then wondering why they would close when they saw us walking there just 2 seconds before, and then we had to climb over the gate, and got stopped by a cop who tried to arrest us for breaking and entering.
but sir, we were 'exiting'
which was probably the highlight of the evening, i can't tell you one good thing about that stupid pirate movie.
"i have no idea what's going on"
"neither do i"
"why are the chinese guys pissed off?"
"who's that guy?"
"what do they all have against johnny depp?"
"keira knightly is so fat"
"let's go get a drink"
and thus we walked home through the zoo, not knowing it was closing, but then wondering why they would close when they saw us walking there just 2 seconds before, and then we had to climb over the gate, and got stopped by a cop who tried to arrest us for breaking and entering.
but sir, we were 'exiting'
which was probably the highlight of the evening, i can't tell you one good thing about that stupid pirate movie.
Monday, June 4, 2007
and you thought it wasn't possible
my mother-in-law called me last week and asked me to make a necklace to match her dress. the dress at it turns out has a square neckline. so she wanted a square necklace. a square necklace? you mean, a squarelace? yup. even the bead store guy thought it wouldn't work out, not with these heavy chunky lapis beads it won't. oh but it diiiiid.
this, my friends is the jewelry innovation of the century. i have conquered the square neckline, which is coming back btw. so get yours now. just don't ask me to mail it express to france. because that's a whole other story...
i went to two post offices, because the one that comes up when you click "locate a post office" on the usps.com website at 2121 Ward Place, is not actually a post office, it's a garage full of postal vans and postal workers on their cigarette break and who are not to be bothered. and the clerk at the second, who took 15 minutes to find me a padded envelope:
"are you sure there are no envelopes there?"
there are no padded envelopes here
"even next to the bubble wrap?"
you're out of bubble wrap too
"that's impossible"
well, i'm not an idiot, i don't see bubble wrap or padded envelopes here
"am i going to have to come over there?"
see for yourself
daaaaamn! greg! what happened to all the bubble wrap and padded envelopes?
greg: dang, don't know.
in the time it took greg and tanya both to look in the back, i counted about 100 padded envelopes plus 13 packages of bubble wrap in the little postal store, that was for some reason at 10:45 am on a monday, closed, and therefore locked behind a gate.
once i got the envelope and declared i needed to have this in Paris by friday, many questions were asked including:
"is this a gift?"
yes
"you cannot send unsolicited gifts by international express"
it's not unsolicited
"you said it was a gift, can't send gifts"
ok, so i lied, it belongs to whom i'm sending it
"too late, you already said it was a gift."
i banged my head on the counter and sent it air mail. and when i got back to my office i realized i had the customs form in my hand. this necklace may never make it to anyone's neck. sigh.
this, my friends is the jewelry innovation of the century. i have conquered the square neckline, which is coming back btw. so get yours now. just don't ask me to mail it express to france. because that's a whole other story...i went to two post offices, because the one that comes up when you click "locate a post office" on the usps.com website at 2121 Ward Place, is not actually a post office, it's a garage full of postal vans and postal workers on their cigarette break and who are not to be bothered. and the clerk at the second, who took 15 minutes to find me a padded envelope:
"are you sure there are no envelopes there?"
there are no padded envelopes here
"even next to the bubble wrap?"
you're out of bubble wrap too
"that's impossible"
well, i'm not an idiot, i don't see bubble wrap or padded envelopes here
"am i going to have to come over there?"
see for yourself
greg: dang, don't know.
in the time it took greg and tanya both to look in the back, i counted about 100 padded envelopes plus 13 packages of bubble wrap in the little postal store, that was for some reason at 10:45 am on a monday, closed, and therefore locked behind a gate.
once i got the envelope and declared i needed to have this in Paris by friday, many questions were asked including:
"is this a gift?"
yes
"you cannot send unsolicited gifts by international express"
it's not unsolicited
"you said it was a gift, can't send gifts"
ok, so i lied, it belongs to whom i'm sending it
"too late, you already said it was a gift."
i banged my head on the counter and sent it air mail. and when i got back to my office i realized i had the customs form in my hand. this necklace may never make it to anyone's neck. sigh.
Friday, June 1, 2007
WMATA recycling update
So i got a call back from redline WMATA!
the woman i spoke to, who was very nice but quite hard to understand told me said that WMATA recycles all their newspaper. they have both a trash and a recycling service. according to the facilities manager, the only times they don't recycle is when there is trash mixed in with the newspaper, and that's when they just throw it all together, and that must have been what i saw. she was adamant about telling me that employees are instructed not to go through the recycling to pick out the trash, and so they mix is. so it's the commuter's fault for mixing trash with recycling.
hmmm. really? i asked her what constitutes the trash? she said TRASH! rubbish! i asked, how it is possible to fit that trash in the tiny slit of the newspaper bin but she just repeated herself: trash in recycling gets mixed! mixed recycling is because of trash! we don't take trash out of recycling!
hmmm. i'm perplexed. sounds like it needs more investigatins. tho i don't really commute on metro anymore, i walk...
the woman i spoke to, who was very nice but quite hard to understand told me said that WMATA recycles all their newspaper. they have both a trash and a recycling service. according to the facilities manager, the only times they don't recycle is when there is trash mixed in with the newspaper, and that's when they just throw it all together, and that must have been what i saw. she was adamant about telling me that employees are instructed not to go through the recycling to pick out the trash, and so they mix is. so it's the commuter's fault for mixing trash with recycling.
hmmm. really? i asked her what constitutes the trash? she said TRASH! rubbish! i asked, how it is possible to fit that trash in the tiny slit of the newspaper bin but she just repeated herself: trash in recycling gets mixed! mixed recycling is because of trash! we don't take trash out of recycling!
hmmm. i'm perplexed. sounds like it needs more investigatins. tho i don't really commute on metro anymore, i walk...
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
WMATA recycles newspaper? think again
i'm sure most DCers are like me, when they carry their paper off the metro they go through the trouble of stuffing it in the tiny slit of the "newspapers only" bin at the entrance of every station. sometimes, the things are full to the gills, but still, you stuff it in there, doing your bit for the planet. it's bad enough i'm the recycling police at my building, pulling glossy carboard apart from the rest, taking plastic lids off bottles, but WMATA, our fair city's metro? the symbol of efficient public transit and carbon emission reducing whathaveyou?
for the second time in a year, waiting around a metro station i saw the unthinkable. you see the first time, i thought it was an error, but the second time, well, i wish i had my camera. there went the garbage guy, doing his business and emptying the trash cans of their diverse refuse when he proceeded to the paper bins and threw them in the same bin on wheels. mixing the papers we painstakingly presumably recycle, in with the trash.
hmmmm. so why go through the trouble of having people stuff their news in there? i've had my watch caught on the thin opening, and have even lost a ring...and it all ends up in the regular trash? well F U metro. if that's how you are, you want to lie to people, take us for a ride (metaphorically) well then maybe i'll just leave my newspaper on the seat, maybe i'll spread it on the floor - just to spite you. at least it will get read once, before you decide to put it where it belongs.
because i will no longer be a party to your evil un-earthly deeds!
and now, everyone knows your dirty little secret.
for the second time in a year, waiting around a metro station i saw the unthinkable. you see the first time, i thought it was an error, but the second time, well, i wish i had my camera. there went the garbage guy, doing his business and emptying the trash cans of their diverse refuse when he proceeded to the paper bins and threw them in the same bin on wheels. mixing the papers we painstakingly presumably recycle, in with the trash.
hmmmm. so why go through the trouble of having people stuff their news in there? i've had my watch caught on the thin opening, and have even lost a ring...and it all ends up in the regular trash? well F U metro. if that's how you are, you want to lie to people, take us for a ride (metaphorically) well then maybe i'll just leave my newspaper on the seat, maybe i'll spread it on the floor - just to spite you. at least it will get read once, before you decide to put it where it belongs.
because i will no longer be a party to your evil un-earthly deeds!
and now, everyone knows your dirty little secret.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
stop killing tigers!
tigers are getting a bum deal in china...i don't advocate using anything's testicles for medicine or anything else.
submit your picture to the tiger mosaic, i did! good luck finding it....
Monday, May 21, 2007
safeway's non-express lanes...
so the brilliant minds behind the customer service desk at the adams morgan safeway, the same people who brought you the "let's not have more than one, maybe two cashiers on monday evenings" have unveiled another brilliant scheme for shoppers: the "every lane is an express lane."
now, it used to be that a few lanes near the doors were express (15 items or less) which is where most of us turn to with that one box of brown sugar, the late night ice cream craving or sunday morning's bloody mix. there's no room for a cart, you just drop your stuff on the rolling mat and you could hopefully be out in a few minutes. most times, you don't even scan your safeway club card, because you don't care, you just want to be out of this store already. well now, according to the new colorful signs dangling in the breeze, EVERY lane at the safeway is express.
yup, every. single. one of them.
and you don't need to be a rocket surgeon to figure out that it inherently makes evrey lane the UN-express lane because now, the guy who buys all the swanson's bratwursts when they're on sale (i've seen him. he ruined my sausage party) gets to hold up any lane he chooses. why safeway, why? do you think this will make everyone's life faster, smoother? it does not. and this is one of the few exceptions in life where segregration must be upheld (unisex bathrooms make me cringe). this is not some bohemian one world, one people philosophy or something, this needs to be stopped. as long as taco sauce remains in the international aisle, separate our aisles. because this all-embracing free for all does no one any service. even the aisle that on sunday morning read: "checks, cash, credit card ONLY"
now, it used to be that a few lanes near the doors were express (15 items or less) which is where most of us turn to with that one box of brown sugar, the late night ice cream craving or sunday morning's bloody mix. there's no room for a cart, you just drop your stuff on the rolling mat and you could hopefully be out in a few minutes. most times, you don't even scan your safeway club card, because you don't care, you just want to be out of this store already. well now, according to the new colorful signs dangling in the breeze, EVERY lane at the safeway is express.
yup, every. single. one of them.
and you don't need to be a rocket surgeon to figure out that it inherently makes evrey lane the UN-express lane because now, the guy who buys all the swanson's bratwursts when they're on sale (i've seen him. he ruined my sausage party) gets to hold up any lane he chooses. why safeway, why? do you think this will make everyone's life faster, smoother? it does not. and this is one of the few exceptions in life where segregration must be upheld (unisex bathrooms make me cringe). this is not some bohemian one world, one people philosophy or something, this needs to be stopped. as long as taco sauce remains in the international aisle, separate our aisles. because this all-embracing free for all does no one any service. even the aisle that on sunday morning read: "checks, cash, credit card ONLY"
Friday, May 11, 2007
free lawn!
i now have a lawn. i was walking home the other night and came across a pile of sod with a "FREE" sign on it. it weighed a ton but i brought home 4 square feet of perfectly green grass. i can now sit outside with my bare feet on lawn. my boyfriend waters it everyday, the indoor plants are jealous. my cat rolls around on it, and i might just set up a putting green for a bbq tonight. three cheers for instant lawn.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
the package
on Monday I signed for a package that was delivered to my building. This large, heavy package sat in our foyer, nearly blocking the front door for days…I asked everyone else in my building, do they know who the package is for, are they expecting something? nope. So yesterday, I looked at it closer…a sticker says it contains ALCOHOL. So I opened it! 4 delectable bottles of wine from Orgeon. I downed them on my patio with my neighbors. This morning tho, there was a nasty note on the front door from someone a few houses down (the penthouse of a towering loft to be exact). They know we received their package. What do I do? Drop the empty bottles on their stoop? i say their gentrifying rich arses can buy some more...
Friday, May 4, 2007
toothbrushes
toothbrushes.
you never buy a toothbrush until months after you actually need a new one. everytime you brush your teeth with that wilting plastic mess you think, “next time I’m at the store, i’ll get a new one.” of course, whenever you are actually at the store your thoughts are dominated by hot dog samples in the back, whether you still have garlic and if you want turkey or ham sandwiches this week, or if you have the strength to carry 11 lbs of kitty litter home.
so whenever the idea of a new toothbrush coincides with me actually in a store, this is a moment to pounce. and so there I was at the CVS last weekend, looking for Q-tips and amazed at the light bulb over my head that flashed “toothbrush!!” i jumped on this impulse buy one, and reached toward the collection of oral-b soft bristles in a dazzling array of rainbow colors. yet my hand is prevented from grabbing one. an invisible force field of sorts…wait, is this glass? let me move this glass – wah, this glass forms a glass case, which is locked. only one box of 4 toothbrushes for labeled at $1.99 are outside the case and they are of an unknown brand "COLGRATE."
i look around, like a squirrel who has heard a noise..to unlock this case i would need to go to the front counter, which now has two competing lines of about 8 very impatient people each, with two uncrafty mighty incompetent cashiers fumbling with the scanning devices. if i take a cashier away, i will likely be killed by this mob.
i go to the prescription counter where you have old ladies clamoring for insulin refills and a pharmacist who stares at you like an alien descended from space – like he always does when you say “i’m here to pick up a prescription” as he has just descended from his out of body experience to realize he’s a pharmacist at a CVS in adams morgan.
now, the blogosphere has reviewed a long list of stupid items that are locked to customers: like condoms which, in a city with spiraling HIV rates, should be simple, free of hassle for someone to buy. i understand that electric shavers and hair dryers are big ticket items that deserve to be in a case, as you don’t buy them everyday, you likely want to consult with someone and take your time, because it’s a big investment. but a toothbrush? Didn’t some kid die recently from poor health care? hmmmm.
so i went to safeway. and bought some more beer, US weekly, some yogurt, and like evey single friggin’ time, totally forgot to buy a friggin’ toothbrush.
you never buy a toothbrush until months after you actually need a new one. everytime you brush your teeth with that wilting plastic mess you think, “next time I’m at the store, i’ll get a new one.” of course, whenever you are actually at the store your thoughts are dominated by hot dog samples in the back, whether you still have garlic and if you want turkey or ham sandwiches this week, or if you have the strength to carry 11 lbs of kitty litter home.
so whenever the idea of a new toothbrush coincides with me actually in a store, this is a moment to pounce. and so there I was at the CVS last weekend, looking for Q-tips and amazed at the light bulb over my head that flashed “toothbrush!!” i jumped on this impulse buy one, and reached toward the collection of oral-b soft bristles in a dazzling array of rainbow colors. yet my hand is prevented from grabbing one. an invisible force field of sorts…wait, is this glass? let me move this glass – wah, this glass forms a glass case, which is locked. only one box of 4 toothbrushes for labeled at $1.99 are outside the case and they are of an unknown brand "COLGRATE."
i look around, like a squirrel who has heard a noise..to unlock this case i would need to go to the front counter, which now has two competing lines of about 8 very impatient people each, with two uncrafty mighty incompetent cashiers fumbling with the scanning devices. if i take a cashier away, i will likely be killed by this mob.
i go to the prescription counter where you have old ladies clamoring for insulin refills and a pharmacist who stares at you like an alien descended from space – like he always does when you say “i’m here to pick up a prescription” as he has just descended from his out of body experience to realize he’s a pharmacist at a CVS in adams morgan.
now, the blogosphere has reviewed a long list of stupid items that are locked to customers: like condoms which, in a city with spiraling HIV rates, should be simple, free of hassle for someone to buy. i understand that electric shavers and hair dryers are big ticket items that deserve to be in a case, as you don’t buy them everyday, you likely want to consult with someone and take your time, because it’s a big investment. but a toothbrush? Didn’t some kid die recently from poor health care? hmmmm.
so i went to safeway. and bought some more beer, US weekly, some yogurt, and like evey single friggin’ time, totally forgot to buy a friggin’ toothbrush.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
vday wretch
valentine's day. where to begin. if you read that sunday source article this weekend about V-day gone bad you'll probably want to grab a vomit bucket first. there i was on sunday morning, settling in with the SS in one hand, my delish blueberry waffles, homemade pork and foie gras sausage and eggs sunny in one hand when i take in the feature, written a la YM embarassing confessions (remember those?). low and behold out of the 20 something stories, pretty much every single one was a "i bought him/her ____ and he/she got me ____. [blah blah] and that's why i dumped them." shallow, pathetic, materialistic undescribably mundane. not only about gifts, but their precise dollar values. so i guess that's when i found out this was not just another made-up 'holiday', one where your relationship hedges on dinner reservations (must be made the the man, of course. and be expensive! and frou frou! and just what your lady was imagining! and if you're gay, well...don't know exactly how that works) and then you need the perfect gift (dollar value must match or exceed your partner's!) and ultimately the perfect night...though i don't know how many of you have ever been out on a v-day night with one of those fixed course meals. insert finger in throat. if i'm not out getting drunk at asylum, there's a slim possibility i might look into buying oysters and a bottle of champagne. where does one get oysters? all of which takes work, while walking to chief ike's doesn't, and doing anything only perpetuates this shit for the rest of my life. and besides, at my house, every day is valentine's day :)
Friday, February 2, 2007
more on sudan
there was an article in the post the other day on all the super fancy ultra-rich development in, of all places, Khartoum. so apparently, they are pushing all the poor people further into the desert with bulldozers to make room for more fancy hotels. this process even has a name: kasha. man, look at that crazy egg shaped hotel! you can drink lattes while being sprayed by a delicate mist! i asked a friend who is there now why he keeps complaining about being bored and lonely when there is all this fancy stuff to be outraged at.
and he responded:
"I work 10 blocks from that crazy hotel thing. It is financed by Moammar Gaddafi. And I have had lattes at the mist cafe, it is called Ozone.
There is nothing at all, at all, good about this place. The money being poured in is from oil, purchased from China who could care less about genocide.
I will honestly say there are probably 150 people in this country of 45 Million that are profiting from this establishment. It is hurrendous, or how ever you spell it.
Name a country in Africa that has oil. Nigeria, Angola, Sudan, Equitorial Guinea................Oil is a curse. It makes your more poor somehow. It's amazing. This place offers nothing to no one, unless you're soul is rancid then you might profit off of the back of some naked tribe's land.
At least I have an ipod full of punk rock and a case of Stella Artois."
and then i thought, if they have oil and they're arab, i wonder why we aren't bombing them? or at least plotting to?
and he responded:
"I work 10 blocks from that crazy hotel thing. It is financed by Moammar Gaddafi. And I have had lattes at the mist cafe, it is called Ozone.
There is nothing at all, at all, good about this place. The money being poured in is from oil, purchased from China who could care less about genocide.
I will honestly say there are probably 150 people in this country of 45 Million that are profiting from this establishment. It is hurrendous, or how ever you spell it.
Name a country in Africa that has oil. Nigeria, Angola, Sudan, Equitorial Guinea................Oil is a curse. It makes your more poor somehow. It's amazing. This place offers nothing to no one, unless you're soul is rancid then you might profit off of the back of some naked tribe's land.
At least I have an ipod full of punk rock and a case of Stella Artois."
and then i thought, if they have oil and they're arab, i wonder why we aren't bombing them? or at least plotting to?
Monday, January 29, 2007
on birds
1) what's with old people and birds? my crazy old neighbors put out birdseed, crumbs, younameit out on their stoop for the birdies twice a day. there is bird poop EVERYWHERE. why not in the back? or how about a bird feeder? why aren't young people obsessed with birds?
2) has anyone noticed the rival factions of pigeons at 18th and columbia? it feels like you're about to get your eyes and heads pecked out when they're all amassed, in competing flocks, dive-bombing. and which one gets to decide where they go?
2) has anyone noticed the rival factions of pigeons at 18th and columbia? it feels like you're about to get your eyes and heads pecked out when they're all amassed, in competing flocks, dive-bombing. and which one gets to decide where they go?
Saturday, January 20, 2007
west virginny
was in west virginia last weekend. don't want to stereotype, but...it was just like the stereotype. walked into a thrift store packed to the gills with awesome 70's men's shirts that would have made meeps drool. as i peruse the weapons section the deliverance theme echoes over the cheesy tin-can like department store sound system. cash register lady was wearing a pink poodle sweatshirt with curly yarn coming out of it and had a southern drawl i could barely understand.
had a hilarious late nite beer run to bill's, a bar/restaurant/grocery/canoe joint. the grocery area is two shelves of cans, mostly spam. they only take cash and seem to 'estimate' the price of their beer, sort of making an offer, foreigner tax included and rounded up. so, two cases of schlitz cans: "14 dollars?" which, ironically was exactly how much three of us pooled together from our wallets. sadly, not enough leftover to do any shots at the bar with the rest of the neighborhood.
though, sometimes i think DC can be just as...don't know what the word is for it. i went to the adams morgan safeway to get some ingredients for my gargantuan batch of hummus (i'm an expert in semi-solid foods these days, thank you cuisinart!). i'm searching the "international aisle" (though can we admit that mexican/latino food is no longer international? especially the sandinista safeway?). i ask the aisle guy if they have any tahini.
"ta-who? what's that?"
"it's used to make hummus"
"now what the fuck is hummus?!"
"...thanks, you just answered my question."
had a hilarious late nite beer run to bill's, a bar/restaurant/grocery/canoe joint. the grocery area is two shelves of cans, mostly spam. they only take cash and seem to 'estimate' the price of their beer, sort of making an offer, foreigner tax included and rounded up. so, two cases of schlitz cans: "14 dollars?" which, ironically was exactly how much three of us pooled together from our wallets. sadly, not enough leftover to do any shots at the bar with the rest of the neighborhood. though, sometimes i think DC can be just as...don't know what the word is for it. i went to the adams morgan safeway to get some ingredients for my gargantuan batch of hummus (i'm an expert in semi-solid foods these days, thank you cuisinart!). i'm searching the "international aisle" (though can we admit that mexican/latino food is no longer international? especially the sandinista safeway?). i ask the aisle guy if they have any tahini.
"ta-who? what's that?"
"it's used to make hummus"
"now what the fuck is hummus?!"
"...thanks, you just answered my question."
Monday, January 15, 2007
brunchin it
in order to give asylum a rest for once, release them from our endless peaches and freaks of the industry jukebox selections during peak family brunch time, i hosted my own gangsta brunch.
it was tasty. i substituted my usual waffles for french toast. now the key to french toast i find is the cheaper, more processed the bread, quite simply the better it is. i'm no fan of wonder bread in my sandwich, but the spongy stuff is the way to go for breakfast. whole wheat five grain just won't cut it here.
then, i cooked some spinach and onions and garlic and made little nests atop tomatoes in an oven dish, sprinkled basil, parmesan, goat cheese and bread crumbs on top broke the egg yolks into the hole. baked 'em for 20 minutes. i think you call those shirred eggs. yummmmmmee. and the usual snausages and green onion, and a cucumber dill salad to cleanse the palate. that's easily a 26 dollar brunch people. mix a bloody at the counter bloody bar with the tommy gun vodka (make tommy gun shooting noise when you pour), add some loud gangsta rap to piss off the neighbors and you have yourself a wonderful sunday morning.
it was tasty. i substituted my usual waffles for french toast. now the key to french toast i find is the cheaper, more processed the bread, quite simply the better it is. i'm no fan of wonder bread in my sandwich, but the spongy stuff is the way to go for breakfast. whole wheat five grain just won't cut it here.
then, i cooked some spinach and onions and garlic and made little nests atop tomatoes in an oven dish, sprinkled basil, parmesan, goat cheese and bread crumbs on top broke the egg yolks into the hole. baked 'em for 20 minutes. i think you call those shirred eggs. yummmmmmee. and the usual snausages and green onion, and a cucumber dill salad to cleanse the palate. that's easily a 26 dollar brunch people. mix a bloody at the counter bloody bar with the tommy gun vodka (make tommy gun shooting noise when you pour), add some loud gangsta rap to piss off the neighbors and you have yourself a wonderful sunday morning.
Monday, December 18, 2006
my big panther
i often look at my cat and imagine her to be this huge wild panther that i single-handedly domesticated, i toned down her killer instincts with kindness and patience and led her to a life of warm bed covers and snuggles. and shrunk her too, i guess. or maybe i shrunk. then i imagine cuddling up under her chin, between her huge black paws and the loud roaring non-stop purr she would emit. but i'm wrong. panthers don't purr. in fact, neither do lions, really. way to ruin my fantasy wikipedia:
All cats are able to purr. However, the entire Panthera genus is able to purr only while exhaling. Cats that roar lack the purring vocal cords, and use the vocal cords in charge of roaring and growling instead, making a noise similar to growling when they purr. As a result, the two sounds are often confused. The roar in these cats is a very loud growl with respect to the production method. Additionally, because these cords can only be used while exhaling, the purring equivalent sound can only be made while exhaling. Cats that are not members of the Panthera genus, even larger ones such as the cheetah, purr.
ok, so i'm going to get a cheetah instead.
All cats are able to purr. However, the entire Panthera genus is able to purr only while exhaling. Cats that roar lack the purring vocal cords, and use the vocal cords in charge of roaring and growling instead, making a noise similar to growling when they purr. As a result, the two sounds are often confused. The roar in these cats is a very loud growl with respect to the production method. Additionally, because these cords can only be used while exhaling, the purring equivalent sound can only be made while exhaling. Cats that are not members of the Panthera genus, even larger ones such as the cheetah, purr.
ok, so i'm going to get a cheetah instead.
Friday, December 15, 2006
DC dmv: driving towards excellence
ok, what do you get when you put 20 metro station mean-agers in one room?
the DC DMV.
but then again, if it weren't for the wonderful purposeful inefficiency of DC employees well then we would have nothing to write about would we? let it be known, i did get a nice call from metro about my complaint about the columbia heights troll, and still saw her angrily hassling a homeless dude on my way to the dmv. i had to giggle, her meanness has become one of those quirky neighborhood things you just notice daily. i'm just being extra careful to always place my smartrip card precisely and deliberately over the little logo every day - to the ire of those behind me - but now you know why.
so tell me, DC, is the blank stare at the ceiling, paired with loudly chewing gum and clicking fake nails part of the DMV uniform? my license renewal did not go all that bad (it being my third attempt afterall, i had my shit together!) the only problem was when i received about a 10,000 volt shock of static electricity from the guy who took my photo. as i recoiled and winced he screamed "daaaaaaaaaaamn girl?! you tryin' to kill me?"
the DC DMV.
but then again, if it weren't for the wonderful purposeful inefficiency of DC employees well then we would have nothing to write about would we? let it be known, i did get a nice call from metro about my complaint about the columbia heights troll, and still saw her angrily hassling a homeless dude on my way to the dmv. i had to giggle, her meanness has become one of those quirky neighborhood things you just notice daily. i'm just being extra careful to always place my smartrip card precisely and deliberately over the little logo every day - to the ire of those behind me - but now you know why.
so tell me, DC, is the blank stare at the ceiling, paired with loudly chewing gum and clicking fake nails part of the DMV uniform? my license renewal did not go all that bad (it being my third attempt afterall, i had my shit together!) the only problem was when i received about a 10,000 volt shock of static electricity from the guy who took my photo. as i recoiled and winced he screamed "daaaaaaaaaaamn girl?! you tryin' to kill me?"
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
oh the caribbean
so, i just came back from the turks and caicos, which, in addition to being a lovely scuba site and burgeoning tourist destination, i found out it's also a nice tax free haven for bajillionnaires. some married, and with mistresses apparently, and who let their secrets get foiled by the naive loudmouthed visitor (me). nontheless, despite the fluffiest of bank accounts, the rich, and everyone else there occasionally lack the most basic necessities, though, it's the kind of stuff you laugh at, and giggle off because in the end, you're on a beautiful tropical island, duh. even when the weather is totally crappy like it was and i only saw about 25 minutes of sunlight (making my weekend escape/sneakback into the office that much easier to conceal).
so there i was at this 4 star resort with a toe polish problem - and cotton balls are nowhere to be found. seriously, cotton balls. "the shipment never came in, and when a shipment doesn't come in, it doesn't come in for a long time." hmmmm my mind grinds a genius scheme to import cotton balls. so then there was the grand opening party for this casino a lavish affair with over 500 guests, 25 cases of dom perignon and the same of moet, open bar with johnny walker blue and the like...and a buffet with filet mignon and lobster tail - but no knives. but look! a gourmet sushi bar with sashimi and delicate rainbow rolls and scultpured mountains of wasabi - but no soy sauce? weird.
in the end, so what, you're in the caribbean, your boss doesn't know, you're wearing your best dress, your highest heels, eating unadorned sushi and lobster tail with your hands, performing circus antics with belvedere cosmos and eyeing your next monte cristo from a giant pile.
so there i was at this 4 star resort with a toe polish problem - and cotton balls are nowhere to be found. seriously, cotton balls. "the shipment never came in, and when a shipment doesn't come in, it doesn't come in for a long time." hmmmm my mind grinds a genius scheme to import cotton balls. so then there was the grand opening party for this casino a lavish affair with over 500 guests, 25 cases of dom perignon and the same of moet, open bar with johnny walker blue and the like...and a buffet with filet mignon and lobster tail - but no knives. but look! a gourmet sushi bar with sashimi and delicate rainbow rolls and scultpured mountains of wasabi - but no soy sauce? weird.
in the end, so what, you're in the caribbean, your boss doesn't know, you're wearing your best dress, your highest heels, eating unadorned sushi and lobster tail with your hands, performing circus antics with belvedere cosmos and eyeing your next monte cristo from a giant pile.
Friday, December 1, 2006
what's in my inbox?
today is one of those days when i decide to clear my text (and sext?) message box, start anew, refresh! that means even the best messages that have spared deleting for the past few months. so here it is, the newest edition of "what's in my inbox?" and my belated responses:
1) you still have that bike out back? need parts.
now what would i give my brother bike parts? what am i left with? i'm not going to end up with a redneck backyard full of derelict bikes. i'm not a bike shoppe. double p e!
2) tell your brother i just passed a restaurant on cienega blvd called "gaylord." i miss the slut puddle.
gaylord is in LA. i miss the slut puddle too, tho winter is coming, which means it will be back in action in no time.
3) i tea-bagged bob dole. how drunk are you?
pretty damn drunk, apparently, to be privied to this conversation.
4) there's a party in my pants. pumpkin cannons and everything.
glad i wasn't invited
5) [cell phone picture of a picture man with elephantitis of the...] and the caption "elephantitis."
yuck. why do i still have this?
6) most of our better mail brides come from moldova
how would you know?
7) i want weed. you drive car. you bring weed.
that's funny, cuz i don't own a car.
8) "who's boba fett? some reggae dude?"
that's actually something I said last new years. and i still don't know who boba fett is.
9) it's half past your joobs. do you know where your nuts are?
here we go with the joobs again. my friends are imbeciles.
so, what's in your inbox?
1) you still have that bike out back? need parts.
now what would i give my brother bike parts? what am i left with? i'm not going to end up with a redneck backyard full of derelict bikes. i'm not a bike shoppe. double p e!
2) tell your brother i just passed a restaurant on cienega blvd called "gaylord." i miss the slut puddle.
gaylord is in LA. i miss the slut puddle too, tho winter is coming, which means it will be back in action in no time.
3) i tea-bagged bob dole. how drunk are you?
pretty damn drunk, apparently, to be privied to this conversation.
4) there's a party in my pants. pumpkin cannons and everything.
glad i wasn't invited
5) [cell phone picture of a picture man with elephantitis of the...] and the caption "elephantitis."
yuck. why do i still have this?
6) most of our better mail brides come from moldova
how would you know?
7) i want weed. you drive car. you bring weed.
that's funny, cuz i don't own a car.
8) "who's boba fett? some reggae dude?"
that's actually something I said last new years. and i still don't know who boba fett is.
9) it's half past your joobs. do you know where your nuts are?
here we go with the joobs again. my friends are imbeciles.
so, what's in your inbox?
Thursday, November 30, 2006
so nice to have girlfriends again!
so i've always had a tough time keeping girlfriends. often they're catty, competitive, and then, the kind that declares they're lesbian and want you in this awkward way, no wait, she's bi! threesome? (ew!) and then hook up with your boyfriend (rolling your eyes). and...yech!
but, just like men, after you get older and know a bunch more about life and ugly people (on the inside), and realize you can choose your friends instead of them or circumstance picking you, you begin to learn what sort of qualities you like and don't like and can therefore protect yourself from crazy girl behaviour [CGB]. so a couple girls and i are going to the turks and caicos. we're going to scuba dive, play tennis, party all the time party all the time party all the tiiii-iiime, gamble, and tell eachother whether when we're getting sunburned, essentially, what girls are supposed to do. the bullshit stays here.
but, just like men, after you get older and know a bunch more about life and ugly people (on the inside), and realize you can choose your friends instead of them or circumstance picking you, you begin to learn what sort of qualities you like and don't like and can therefore protect yourself from crazy girl behaviour [CGB]. so a couple girls and i are going to the turks and caicos. we're going to scuba dive, play tennis, party all the time party all the time party all the tiiii-iiime, gamble, and tell eachother whether when we're getting sunburned, essentially, what girls are supposed to do. the bullshit stays here.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
happy birthday to me
saturday was my 29th birthday. my dad and stepmom made this huge brunch spread, my favorite meal, with all my favorites! some veuve cliquot mimosas, home made gravlax, egg bagels, egg souffle, blueberry muffins and snausages. tasty tasty. i then hopped on a plane back to DC to scarf sushi with beer, sparks, sake, champagne, vodka, more beer, chief ike's dance floor and then wondered why i woke up at 6 am on my couch with my boyfriend curled up on the floor like a dog, some weird gospel on dc public access tv, and my bed occupied by friends who tried ruthlessly to wake me up but couldn't, and then just partied around me. they stuffed two giant sticks through the window, mutilating my one plant on the sill that was still alive and jabbed me until i threw the keys onto the stoop. then i was OUT. slept well tho. and on sunday i went to the zoo and saw the sea lions. didn't even care about the panda, i was all about the sea lion.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
TG is the best
thanksgiving is my absolute #1 favorite holiday. no religion or anything like that, tho i still get gifts cuz it's my birfday! so i get this great huge meal with my fam and other guests - including my high school friend who lives down the street and comes in the back door and hangs around and won't go away, like kimmie from full house- and always get to have the first choice of turkey meat and homemade pie. i went for the classic this year, pecan and pumpkin in light of our special guests...as there's an added twist...
as my dad said saturday, oy ve, the turkey's been killed and brined, just gotta get ready for for the makheteyneste! that's right, it's the first time ever, my boyfriend's fam is meeting mine, an epic convergence of the inlaws...i'm a tad nervous, especially if my dad starts speaking french: "so voo zet france-ay? jah door lu ven rooooooge! eh france wah mitter rand!" i've made him promise to stick to english, or swedish drinking songs if he prefers but it's not looking good. i'm handing out ear muffs everyone, ear muffs!
as my dad said saturday, oy ve, the turkey's been killed and brined, just gotta get ready for for the makheteyneste! that's right, it's the first time ever, my boyfriend's fam is meeting mine, an epic convergence of the inlaws...i'm a tad nervous, especially if my dad starts speaking french: "so voo zet france-ay? jah door lu ven rooooooge! eh france wah mitter rand!" i've made him promise to stick to english, or swedish drinking songs if he prefers but it's not looking good. i'm handing out ear muffs everyone, ear muffs!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
sparks on mars
Evidence Shows Sparks Flows on Mars
Wednesday, December 6, 2006; 7:26 PM
Photographs of the Martian surface taken by an orbiting spacecraft have revealed powerful evidence that liquid Sparks occasionally flows on the Red Planet's surface, an unexpected finding that suddenly increases the odds that the planet may harbor some kind of life.
Scientists have long known that Sparks exists on Mars as polar ice and atmospheric vapor. But a core requirement for life is Sparks in liquid form, a commodity that has been seemingly absent on that cold and ruddy planet.
Thousands of dry gullies scar the face of Mars, indicating that surface Sparks once flowed there. But until now it has been impossible to tell whether those gullies last saw Sparks millions of years ago or much more recently -- periodically fed, perhaps, by aquifers that might persist underground to this day.
Now a comparison of photographs taken several years apart by NASA's Mars Global Surveyor has found that two gullies, at least, experienced flash floods in between photo shoots.
"Sparks seems to have flowed on the surface of today's Mars," said Michael Meyer, lead scientist for NASA's Mars Exploration Program, speaking at a news conference today . "The big question is how does it happen, and does it point to a habitat for life?"
The global surveyor went into orbit around Mars in the fall of 1997 and, during its longer-than-expected nine-year life, mapped the planet's surface with more than 240,000 images before going dark last month.
In 2000, scientists from Malin Space Science Systems in
As described at today's event and in an article appearing in Friday's issue of the journal Science, both looked radically different on the second pass than they did earlier . Most noticeable, each has a fresh coat of fine, pale sediment, which scientists say appears to be either Sparks frost or salts left behind by briny Sparks.
Flow patterns around rocks or other obstacles, clearly visible in those sediments, are exactly as would be expected from viscous Sparks -- a slush of Sparks and sediment akin to a mud flow-- and are different than would be expected if wind or other forces had been at work, the researchers said. The gullies, each one about one-quarter of a mile long, also have new delta-like drainage fingers splaying from their bases.
Malin scientist Kenneth Edgett said the team had calculated that each flow probably involved about as much Sparks as would fill five to ten swimming pools.
"If you were there . . . you'd probably want to get out of the way," Edgett said. All the more so, he said, because at the low atmospheric pressures found on Mars, much of that Sparks would be bubbling and boiling -- even though it would not be hot.
Friday, November 10, 2006
fireplaces
on my way home last night i smelled the unmistakable odor of the neighbor's fireplace. i sat on my couch looking at mine, delicately decorated in tin, not knowing a real fire since the late 80's, now home to a wooden fish and a lava lamp.
sigh.
my last apartment had a fireplace. in fact, that's the only reason we took the place. there was a waaaaay better 3 bedroom a few blocks away but for some reason my gay roommates got the better of my reasoning when they convinced me to rent the smaller, more expensive, colder apartment with an electric stove and no dining room because "think of it! real fires all winter long!" of course, it never happened. because it took about 1 hour to get thru the 20 pound bundle you bought at the whole foods, which the little korean market on the corner sold for 3 times more. the duraflames from price club always went out halfway through the log, leaving a pseudo-plastic mess for the cat to lick, and only if we were lucky we caught the truck of rednecks delivering organic cedar from west virginia to the gays across the street, then we had some scraps to last a few days. it wasn't until i discovered a neighbor's stash across the alley that fires became a little more frequent. but then one day there was a chainlink fence. and then motion-detector lights. then it just wasn't worth the frayed pants anymore and gashes in the palm anymore. it wasn't until i moved somewhere with a clogged up flue that my scavenging friend found 3 chords of free firewood out near gaithersburg, which he delivered to the only person we know who has a fireplace, but doesn't use it because of the baby. bah humpbug.
sigh.
my last apartment had a fireplace. in fact, that's the only reason we took the place. there was a waaaaay better 3 bedroom a few blocks away but for some reason my gay roommates got the better of my reasoning when they convinced me to rent the smaller, more expensive, colder apartment with an electric stove and no dining room because "think of it! real fires all winter long!" of course, it never happened. because it took about 1 hour to get thru the 20 pound bundle you bought at the whole foods, which the little korean market on the corner sold for 3 times more. the duraflames from price club always went out halfway through the log, leaving a pseudo-plastic mess for the cat to lick, and only if we were lucky we caught the truck of rednecks delivering organic cedar from west virginia to the gays across the street, then we had some scraps to last a few days. it wasn't until i discovered a neighbor's stash across the alley that fires became a little more frequent. but then one day there was a chainlink fence. and then motion-detector lights. then it just wasn't worth the frayed pants anymore and gashes in the palm anymore. it wasn't until i moved somewhere with a clogged up flue that my scavenging friend found 3 chords of free firewood out near gaithersburg, which he delivered to the only person we know who has a fireplace, but doesn't use it because of the baby. bah humpbug.
Sunday, November 5, 2006
lefties everywhere!
ok, it's about time i wrote about this.
i've met six new lefties in as many days (uzbeki is one of them).
interesting facts about lefties:
-People who are left-handed are technically said to be sinistral, and left-handedness is sometimes referred to as sinistrality. Both words derive from sinister, the Latin word for “left”. This word in turn derives from sinus, the Latin word for “pocket” referring to the fact that the pocket in a Roman toga was on the left side, for the convenience of a right-handed wearer.
-about 10% of the human population is left-handed...
-more males are lefty than females (i'm even more rare!)
-left handed people are better at fighting without weapons because of the "surprise" factor. (i love it!)
-in many parts of the world, such as Indonesia, it is considered impolite to eat and accept gifts with the left hand. Romans also frowned upon lefties. (bastards!)
-Ciotog is an Irish language word used to describe left-handed people. It derives from the Irish word Ciotog which means 'Strange Person'. (awesome)
-there's a theory that lefties are more intelligent and creative (toldja so)
-Studies have shown that there is a correlation between committing sexual crimes against children and being left-handed (boo)
famous lefties:
-George W. H. Bush AND Bill Clinton AND Ross Perot! all three 1992 candidates!
-Ben Franklin
-Napoleon
-Julius Caesar (ha, even tho it was frowned upon!)
-Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and Osama Bin Laden (really, do we know that for sure?)
-Da Vinci and Escher and Michaelangelo
-50 cent! Bob Dylan, Art Garfunkel, Isaac Hayes (just to name a few, there are many, many more)
-Woody Allen, Matthew Broderick AND Sarah Jessica Parker, Charlie Chaplan, Robert DeNiro (i knew that, actually), Freddie Prinze Jr., Keanu Reeves, Jerry Seinfeld, Sylvester Stallone, Hillary Swank, Alan Thicke (i know his banker), Marky Mark, Oprah
-John McEnroe, Bill Gates, JFK, Jay Leno, Ken Jennings (jeopardy man)
so now you have something to talk about next time you see them. As for me, i'll be inviting them over for the biggest lefty bash ever. wow.
i've met six new lefties in as many days (uzbeki is one of them).
interesting facts about lefties:
-People who are left-handed are technically said to be sinistral, and left-handedness is sometimes referred to as sinistrality. Both words derive from sinister, the Latin word for “left”. This word in turn derives from sinus, the Latin word for “pocket” referring to the fact that the pocket in a Roman toga was on the left side, for the convenience of a right-handed wearer.
-about 10% of the human population is left-handed...
-more males are lefty than females (i'm even more rare!)
-left handed people are better at fighting without weapons because of the "surprise" factor. (i love it!)
-in many parts of the world, such as Indonesia, it is considered impolite to eat and accept gifts with the left hand. Romans also frowned upon lefties. (bastards!)
-Ciotog is an Irish language word used to describe left-handed people. It derives from the Irish word Ciotog which means 'Strange Person'. (awesome)
-there's a theory that lefties are more intelligent and creative (toldja so)
-Studies have shown that there is a correlation between committing sexual crimes against children and being left-handed (boo)
famous lefties:
-George W. H. Bush AND Bill Clinton AND Ross Perot! all three 1992 candidates!
-Ben Franklin
-Napoleon
-Julius Caesar (ha, even tho it was frowned upon!)
-Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and Osama Bin Laden (really, do we know that for sure?)
-Da Vinci and Escher and Michaelangelo
-50 cent! Bob Dylan, Art Garfunkel, Isaac Hayes (just to name a few, there are many, many more)
-Woody Allen, Matthew Broderick AND Sarah Jessica Parker, Charlie Chaplan, Robert DeNiro (i knew that, actually), Freddie Prinze Jr., Keanu Reeves, Jerry Seinfeld, Sylvester Stallone, Hillary Swank, Alan Thicke (i know his banker), Marky Mark, Oprah
-John McEnroe, Bill Gates, JFK, Jay Leno, Ken Jennings (jeopardy man)
so now you have something to talk about next time you see them. As for me, i'll be inviting them over for the biggest lefty bash ever. wow.
hello nation
so on wednesdays i usually read the food section on my way to work but i accidentally gave it to my man when he screamed "front page! front page! hand it over!" on the metro platform as the train was coming and i was all flustered and grabbed whatever was on top. so instead of reading the latest scoop on eggplants or what the wine pick of the week is, i caught up on my headlines. and so, i address you stephen colbert style: "well done, nation."
Noivember 8th, 2006.
dear nation,
thank you for proving you are not as stupid and ignorant as i previously thought. as i take a brief hiatus from furious thoughts of running away to canada or europe, i thank you for swinging to the left on this important election day. i understand that sometimes you have to try everything, including what you don't like in order to find out what's really good for you, and so i forgive you.
because i'm thinking that's what you did when you voted all republican, it was like, "yeah, tequila!!! give it to me!!" and then, when you woke up 6 years later with a throbbing migraine, in a pool of your own vomit and some ugly stranger in your bed you told yourself, "i'm never drinking tequila again. from now on, it's only beer and vodka." so, let's hope it sticks.
sincerely,
lefty.
Noivember 8th, 2006.
dear nation,
thank you for proving you are not as stupid and ignorant as i previously thought. as i take a brief hiatus from furious thoughts of running away to canada or europe, i thank you for swinging to the left on this important election day. i understand that sometimes you have to try everything, including what you don't like in order to find out what's really good for you, and so i forgive you.
because i'm thinking that's what you did when you voted all republican, it was like, "yeah, tequila!!! give it to me!!" and then, when you woke up 6 years later with a throbbing migraine, in a pool of your own vomit and some ugly stranger in your bed you told yourself, "i'm never drinking tequila again. from now on, it's only beer and vodka." so, let's hope it sticks.
sincerely,
lefty.
Friday, October 20, 2006
another t shirt company
a friend of mine opened yet another t-shirt company: chad and tad's nasty-ass tees. i bought this one:
i don't know, seemed funny. maybe because said friend has a super jewish last name like mine but insists he's not jewish. especially compared to me, an embarassment to my heritage. like how a few mondays ago i was eating this club sandwich at my desk and had bacon grease dripping down my chin and a neighbor from the jewbicle comes by and says,
"happy - do you know what day it is??!"
"uh, monday?"
"it's yom kippur -"
(me, blank stare, obviously not knowing what yom kippur is)
"the day of Atonement.....whatever" he huffed and darted back to his desk.
today i saw him twice in the hallway and he looked away. it's probably for the best, i'm super hungover. quit hasseling me.
i don't know, seemed funny. maybe because said friend has a super jewish last name like mine but insists he's not jewish. especially compared to me, an embarassment to my heritage. like how a few mondays ago i was eating this club sandwich at my desk and had bacon grease dripping down my chin and a neighbor from the jewbicle comes by and says,"happy - do you know what day it is??!"
"uh, monday?"
"it's yom kippur -"
(me, blank stare, obviously not knowing what yom kippur is)
"the day of Atonement.....whatever" he huffed and darted back to his desk.
today i saw him twice in the hallway and he looked away. it's probably for the best, i'm super hungover. quit hasseling me.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
you get what you pay for
ok, so when it comes to museums in DC, i'm like most people - i go to the free ones. i mean, who wants to pay more than a movie ticket when you can wander into 4 different smithsonians and see all of the yard-sale like crap they've amassed since the turn of the century without having to stay long enough to get your dolalr donation's worth? (tho the hirshhorn remains a stand alone fave).
but then there's the phillip's collection a sprawling brownstone which has a gogh wing, huge fireplaces, hardwood floors, and large open rooms that make you feel like a pioneer of the art snob generation. picassos and matisse mingle with degas and cezanne and other names i can't remember all of which are simply there, voila, no grand fanfare. the societe anonyme inc exhibit was great, tho the permanent collection was enough to keep us there for a good 3 hours. the $12 can be a kick in the ribs, but when you are lucky enough to be all alone in the tight rothko room, spinning on the bench in the middle, it's as if you're reaping the rewards of your own splurged couple million.
but then there's the phillip's collection a sprawling brownstone which has a gogh wing, huge fireplaces, hardwood floors, and large open rooms that make you feel like a pioneer of the art snob generation. picassos and matisse mingle with degas and cezanne and other names i can't remember all of which are simply there, voila, no grand fanfare. the societe anonyme inc exhibit was great, tho the permanent collection was enough to keep us there for a good 3 hours. the $12 can be a kick in the ribs, but when you are lucky enough to be all alone in the tight rothko room, spinning on the bench in the middle, it's as if you're reaping the rewards of your own splurged couple million.
Monday, October 9, 2006
celebritology
this past weekend i was at a beach house in delaware where "hey, i'm in...delaware" jokes never get old at this beautiful 4 bedroom mansion (it's all about who ya know) with outdoor showers and three tiers of decks was littered in about a year's worth of...People magazine. and so i caught up, people. i saved myself a trip to LA, i'm a friggin expert, and this is what i have to say:
1. Xtina - you were, are, and will always be a slut. that whole blonde throwback to gwen stefani won't change a thing.
2. billy bob. yuck yuck yuck. he shows off being married to angelina as a way to stop people from thinking he's a greasy wannabe pedophile, but it doesn't work. his most recent interview is about how it's so easy to pick up chicks, bring them home and "seal the deal." dude, you're old and gross. to learn how to not be old and gross, see: George Clooney.
3. john mayer? meh.
4. i want to be a celebrity kid. like, just for a day. to have nicole kidman hold me in her arms, or long enough to pay back on tenth of my student loans, whichever comes first.
5. to the people who buy dresses that were worn on the red carpet for cheap! (read: thousands of dollars) - you're pathetic.
6. i'm sorry tomkat, but that is not your baby.
7. ashton and demi: i'm very intrigued. like, super intrigued.
8. what i want to see more of: stars like us! picking their noses, wedgies, etc...
9. nicole ritchie "i don't have an eating disorder, i have stress." does this stress come in a pill or a finger down the throat? your new bangs do look hot, though.
10. i will never sit down and read 17 issues of people magazine again. unless i'm in the check out line for a really, really long time. and besides, i think US weekly is way better.
1. Xtina - you were, are, and will always be a slut. that whole blonde throwback to gwen stefani won't change a thing.
2. billy bob. yuck yuck yuck. he shows off being married to angelina as a way to stop people from thinking he's a greasy wannabe pedophile, but it doesn't work. his most recent interview is about how it's so easy to pick up chicks, bring them home and "seal the deal." dude, you're old and gross. to learn how to not be old and gross, see: George Clooney.
3. john mayer? meh.
4. i want to be a celebrity kid. like, just for a day. to have nicole kidman hold me in her arms, or long enough to pay back on tenth of my student loans, whichever comes first.
5. to the people who buy dresses that were worn on the red carpet for cheap! (read: thousands of dollars) - you're pathetic.
6. i'm sorry tomkat, but that is not your baby.
7. ashton and demi: i'm very intrigued. like, super intrigued.
8. what i want to see more of: stars like us! picking their noses, wedgies, etc...
9. nicole ritchie "i don't have an eating disorder, i have stress." does this stress come in a pill or a finger down the throat? your new bangs do look hot, though.
10. i will never sit down and read 17 issues of people magazine again. unless i'm in the check out line for a really, really long time. and besides, i think US weekly is way better.
Sunday, October 1, 2006
boys are weird
the other i was on the couch and my friend started tickling me and i was all, "eh, cut it out, i have PMS" and he backs off, gets really serious and looks me in the eyes and says, in his wonderful foreign accent "what is PMS...is that an STD?!"
boys. hee.
boys. hee.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)