Wednesday, August 8, 2007

how to speed up a transatlantic flight

-first of all, if you're flying icelandair expect to have a really small, really crappy old plane that doesn't have your own personal movies and games. no, it's old school. the tv hangs from the ceiling 5 rows up so you need binoculars. and your sound probably won't work. but then again the movie is ferris bueller or something to that effect which you know by heart so just make sure you have tunes to provide your own soundtrack.
-oh and bring a sweater. it's effing freezing cold in iceland. even in august!
-they charge you $6 these days for a drink. it's craziness. good thing they sell mini bottles of booze and wine at duty free for real cheap. if you're in a civilized country like in Europe they'll let you bring it on the plane in a sealed plastic bag. if you're smart you ask them to put it in a -different bag than the rest of your booze. pop open some vodka for your aperitif, a few bottles of red for dinner, and a nice grand marnier to put you to sleep afterwards. don't make eye contact with the stewardess or she'll know what you're up to.
-when you're done with your plastic cup, slip it under your armpit and turn to the person next to you. "man, my neck hurts, these seats are horribly uncomfortable." turn your head and squish the cup for a nice crrrrrrrunch.
-when they pass around those custom forms asking you how many goods you're bringing into the country ask out loud "does the money paid for that prostitute count as a good or service?"
-make sure NO ONE knows about the pate and saucisson that are stinking up your suitcase.
-cross your fingers and hope the olive oil didn't explode.

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