Saturday, June 30, 2007

sexy texting: the SEXT

so phone sex, IM sex, online dating? pff it's all a thing of the past because i'm telling you, blackberry DC! it's all about the texting sex, a.k.a. the 'sext.' it's instantaneous, it's discreet, it's anywhere. calling someone on the phone? well that's just awkward. even checking your messages these days is a pain in the ass " you have 2 new listen, press one then wait forever..." blah blah blah not fast enough!! and now, with all the new techbology you can add pictures and shit? aw yeah.
it's a whole new world just waiting to be exploited, folks. don't even think twice about it, you can sext in an airport or at work, everywhere but in a metro tunnel for those of us not on Sprint. a friend of mine, he sent a sext to his lady earlier this week, and it's been 48 hours sans reply. as a result, i think he's sextually frustrated. to his lady, that's just harsh babe. unlike a computer, your phone goes with you everywhere, so there's no excuse! are you withholding sext for strategic power? tsk.
so next time you're sitting on the bus next to some nerd who gets a sext and smiles, you can think "well, at least he's gettin' some."

the point is, everyone is doing it. you should too.

Friday, June 29, 2007

what you're doing on friday nite

...going to 9:30 club. why? because it's only $10, and there's going to be cello. and a disco funk band. and because admit it, you have nothing else to do.

friday, june 29th. be there.

Monday, June 25, 2007

leaf blowers [should] SUCK

every morning as i bike down florida past S street some guy wearing a SARS mask calmly blows leaves, dust, dirt and other garbage into my eyes ears nose and throat with his loud, annoying leaf blower. the next day, the maintenance guy across the street will blow the same crap off of his sidewalk with his own infernal machine. oh, he's wearing a mask too, because it's so dusty and nasty, and my face, once again is a filter. WTF?
who invented these things are why are they allowed to be used in DC or anywhere at all? all it does is blow shit somewhere else for someone else to deal with. at least blow it into Virginia or something. what a useless, gas using, polluting piece of SHIT. i can't think of anything worse than sweeping something under the rug. these leaves, they bother me,instead of picking them up, let me just put them over here. and do it really LOUDLY. it's the stupidest shit ever.

might i suggest a leafblower that instead sucks, maybe actually picks up the leaves into some sort of receptacle so they may be contained and disposed of, perhaps composted? now that's a crazy idea. what ever happened to the old fashioned rake? if you ask me, "what is the stupidest human invention ever?" i tell you: the leaf blower. fucking IDIOTS.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

what america are you talking about?

on today there's a story about Iraqi refugees. there are millions of them in the middle east, yet only 500 are allowed into the U.S. oh gee, right. refugees, forgot about them, sorry dude. i wonder how many refugees the US creates on a daily basis. thousands?
so they interview this family that fled to turkey and though the town sounds quite nice and picturesque (i would go there) they hate it. they can't work, they're totally poor, don't speak the language and they're not accepted. so they've been allowed to come to the U.S. and they're all psyched and here is one of their quotes:

"Whatever is in America," Toma says, "it will be a thousand times better than what we had in Iraq or Turkey because there are work opportunities. There is no discrimination, no hatred."

huh huh, i can tell you what's in America, Toma, a whole shitload of discrimination and hatred. racism, ignorance, too. and the same people who want us over there to blow your shit up who still don't know a sunni from a shiite from a kurd from a sikh. oh man, if it's anything like what those poor lost boys are better watch your back, buddy!

Monday, June 18, 2007

crazy people who write letters

so, we get tons of letters sent to my organization, and just so you know, we read every single one of them. from the kids who thank us for happy animals and draw tigers and ask if we like horses to the more crazier fans. some of the better ones are happily passed around to our friends for some good hearty laughs.
this was faxed in last week and is bout 20 pages long. here's a lovely except: "Underwear is the symbol for Gods control of the weather and natural disasters worldwide." makes you think.

Friday, June 15, 2007

it was a face melter

if you heard from guitar shredding riffs emanating from the basement of asylum last night, that was me, kicking some pimply faced couch potato ass at guitar hero. kicking over chairs, stepping on drinks, playing behind my head - it's a shame style points don't count. i lost by two notes. two fucking notes!

Monday, June 11, 2007

revenge? it's ON

when i find the rat bastard mutherbitch who stole the front AND back license plates of a car i'm driving whose owner is in europe - there will be NO MERCY! also, it would be useful if i had the keys. their whereabouts are currently 'unknown,' last seen at my yard sale (which generated over $300 in sales thankyouverymuch. aurelgrooves necklaces sold like hotcakes!).

anyway, this untagged car is my moving vehicle to my new apartment and transportation to new jersey wedding. humpf. this is going to be a great week! yes! awesome!

Friday, June 8, 2007

pirates of the CRAP!

saw pirates of the caribbean at the uptown last weekend. within the first 10 minutes of the movie, i was terribly saddened by the content that made the 9 year-old in front of me cry uncontrollably...children at the gallows is so Disney! it was obvious dad really wanted to be here more than kid, thereby ignoring the PG-13 rating...anyway 2 hours later, after a long string of scenes that don't seem to last more than 2 seconds before veering wildly off course i turn to my left
"i have no idea what's going on"
"neither do i"
"why are the chinese guys pissed off?"
"who's that guy?"
"what do they all have against johnny depp?"
"keira knightly is so fat"
"let's go get a drink"

and thus we walked home through the zoo, not knowing it was closing, but then wondering why they would close when they saw us walking there just 2 seconds before, and then we had to climb over the gate, and got stopped by a cop who tried to arrest us for breaking and entering.

but sir, we were 'exiting'

which was probably the highlight of the evening, i can't tell you one good thing about that stupid pirate movie.

Monday, June 4, 2007

and you thought it wasn't possible

my mother-in-law called me last week and asked me to make a necklace to match her dress. the dress at it turns out has a square neckline. so she wanted a square necklace. a square necklace? you mean, a squarelace? yup. even the bead store guy thought it wouldn't work out, not with these heavy chunky lapis beads it won't. oh but it diiiiid.this, my friends is the jewelry innovation of the century. i have conquered the square neckline, which is coming back btw. so get yours now. just don't ask me to mail it express to france. because that's a whole other story...
i went to two post offices, because the one that comes up when you click "locate a post office" on the website at 2121 Ward Place, is not actually a post office, it's a garage full of postal vans and postal workers on their cigarette break and who are not to be bothered. and the clerk at the second, who took 15 minutes to find me a padded envelope:
"are you sure there are no envelopes there?"
there are no padded envelopes here
"even next to the bubble wrap?"
you're out of bubble wrap too
"that's impossible"
well, i'm not an idiot, i don't see bubble wrap or padded envelopes here
"am i going to have to come over there?"
see for yourself
daaaaamn! greg! what happened to all the bubble wrap and padded envelopes?
greg: dang, don't know.
in the time it took greg and tanya both to look in the back, i counted about 100 padded envelopes plus 13 packages of bubble wrap in the little postal store, that was for some reason at 10:45 am on a monday, closed, and therefore locked behind a gate.
once i got the envelope and declared i needed to have this in Paris by friday, many questions were asked including:
"is this a gift?"
"you cannot send unsolicited gifts by international express"
it's not unsolicited
"you said it was a gift, can't send gifts"
ok, so i lied, it belongs to whom i'm sending it
"too late, you already said it was a gift."

i banged my head on the counter and sent it air mail. and when i got back to my office i realized i had the customs form in my hand. this necklace may never make it to anyone's neck. sigh.

Friday, June 1, 2007

WMATA recycling update

So i got a call back from redline WMATA!
the woman i spoke to, who was very nice but quite hard to understand told me said that WMATA recycles all their newspaper. they have both a trash and a recycling service. according to the facilities manager, the only times they don't recycle is when there is trash mixed in with the newspaper, and that's when they just throw it all together, and that must have been what i saw. she was adamant about telling me that employees are instructed not to go through the recycling to pick out the trash, and so they mix is. so it's the commuter's fault for mixing trash with recycling.
hmmm. really? i asked her what constitutes the trash? she said TRASH! rubbish! i asked, how it is possible to fit that trash in the tiny slit of the newspaper bin but she just repeated herself: trash in recycling gets mixed! mixed recycling is because of trash! we don't take trash out of recycling!
hmmm. i'm perplexed. sounds like it needs more investigatins. tho i don't really commute on metro anymore, i walk...