Thursday, April 30, 2009

everyone needs a bike messenger dude to motivate them in life

so i'm biking to a friend's house in georgetown the other day and i'm going up one of those really steep hills north of M street. outta nowhere comes one of those bike messenger guys- but not the angst-filled fixed gear hipster with tattoos who smells like pee and weed it was one of those black guy messengers, you know, hate to generalize but these guys are pimped out in lycra, wear a helmet, have sick bikes and the clicky shoes. those guys are badass and take their jobs seriously and i'll tell you, those are the dudes i'd trust with bringing my passport to the indonesian embassy, not the sorry mess with an orange mohawk who sauntered into my office yesterday. i mean really, do you walk into a bank looking like that? for shame.
so serious messenger dude is biking with no hands, drinking from his water bottle tour de france style, and strikes up a conversation over the snowy noise from his walkie talkie. here i am in my business casual attire, struggling with a messenger bag full of wine bottles.
he's all "nice bike dude! i have a fixed gear too, but it doesn't look that nice." then he's all "let see what this girl can do" and switches gears and takes off, and i am supposedly meant to follow him. so i step on it!
i catch up and i'm all yeah whatsup? and he's all you go girl, comeon, faster, you can do it! and then we bust through a red light and get honked at, go up this crazy hill, swerve around taxis and trucks and it was the best 5 minute alleycat race ever. i was so outta breath, my heart jumping out of my chest and when i got to my friend's house it literally took me 20 minutes to be back to normal. but it was the best workout ever and the next day, when i was sitting at my desk, soooo unmotivated to edit the references of this paper i'm working on, i was thinking, where is messenger guy? why isn't he standing here on my shoulder saying come on girl! step on it! pedal to the metal! in fact, i think we all need one of those guys.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

painfully obvious quote of the day

my cublicle neighbor who talks like a surfer dude and reads online articles all day instead of working decides to annoyingly talk over my cubicle divider:

"hey, aurelgrooves, so, like, this swine flu stuff is like, real scary huh?"

me, typing, facebooking, ignoring him

"i think what's most scary, is like, how people are like, dying, you know, and like how, they're like our age, and how we can like, get diseases, like, transmitted to us from pigs"

me, rolling my eyes, realizing this is golden blog material here

"you know, because, like, pigs are pretty similar to humans, you know? like, we get their organs transplanted into our bodies and stuff."

me, transcribing his each and every word

"pigs are like way more similar to us than birds, and bird flu is like, totally scary. but totally not as scary as pig flu"

Friday, April 24, 2009

hey hey vidalia happy hour

you're so sneaky vidalia - your tasty happy hour that features wine tasting and free hors d'oeuvres ends at 6:30 pm. i mean, who actually gets out of work early enough to start drinking before then? are you catering to the jobless? i don't think so, you're just luring me with your comfy pleather couches and pillows you can lounge on, the quiet fancy ambiance and the prospect of $3.50 maker's mark, those home made corn nuts and bready things and then, after my 5th drink you slap me the bill. you clever thing, you. no, i don't regret paying $10 for that awesome mushroom and goat cheese flatbread, or that charcuterie plate with those tangy chutneys that puts so many others to shame. but for the drinks and some potentially free food, i'll just know better next time...and start, end my workday earlier!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

air france mileage program totally sucks

yes, i'm a mile whore. i bet you i have three times as many miles as you have. ha!

and i have 14,000 times as many miles as you do on Air France, and i have to do something about them before august, or they expire. which has made me remember why i hate the air france mileage program in the first place.

first of all, the air france flying blue page is total shit. their FAQs don't answer a single useful question, so i'm going to re-write them.

Q: why does your website suck so much?
A: becauz our webmasteur has fewer good eyeballz zan your zombie-eyed cat! who eez not only blind, but cross-eyed too!

Q: why don't you ever count any of the miles i fly on air france?
A: becauz deez tings take time and effort, oh lala

Q: why do the people who answer calls to customer service try to speak french when they are obviously indian? or even worse, from Quebec?
A: it is charming, no?

Q: why do you give out paper menus on your flight when the choices are always chicken or pasta? it's a huge waste of paper
A: glossy paper menus, are so classy! like ze french. and it is not just chicken, it's roasted chicken provencale avec rosemary and garden vegetables! each and every one of our customers need to know this!

Q: why can't you buy miles if you need them, or give them away like every other mileage program. i can't even buy a train ticket or flowers with them, i'm totally stuck with these lame-o miles (i'm picturing the rollover minute commercial).
A: we are not everyone else, we are air france! our stewardesses are former fashion models, we do not subscibe to equal rights or silly anti-discimination laws.

so that's it. i either have to take a trip before july or i lose my halfway to a free flight miles. so i looked up skyteam flights to London and got a creepy message that maybe i shouldn't.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

you want a one-eyed cat

i know you want to adopt this zombie-eyed cat.
i recently embarked on a mission to amass blackcats. so far i'm doing pretty well, with three under my roof: the old one, the new one, and the one-eyed one. at any point in time one i can scan the horizontal surfaces of my apartment and see some snoozy cats sighing and whipping their tails, staring out the window, or licking their butts. they are clean creatures, you know.
so the benevolent side of my quest is helping a local rescue organization, homeward trails by fostering a series of mutant animals until they get adopted into permanent homes. we had the one-eyed pomeranian pom, the dog who melted hearts faster than you could say 'beggin strip'? there was the cat that managed to knock over everything and creep into my ceiling and hide there and meow, then archie the mangy old grey gal who did nothing but drool, purr and shed, and now magic, aka sandy duncan, a wiley little girl with only on eye (a paintball story with a unhappy ending), yet magnificent depth perception.
she can't ruin your furniture (tho she tries) as she has been declawed. declawed and de-eyed - isn't that a sad story? but she doesn't seem to mind...she's what i would call a guy's cat. she's not especially cuddly or friendly, but she's there to greet you at the door and get her ears rubbed, she's the first one to explore your grocery bag and find peanuts to kick around on the floor, she talks, she eats only the crappiest of canned food (anything over 32 cents she turns her nose at) she has her spot on a chair never on the bed, is not afraid to mingle with loud houseguests, she'll stare at the microwave until it beeps, eat your plants and pull socks out of their drawer. she's basically your dog in cat form. and i have to say, it's a weird ghostly left eye, but she more than makes up for it in character.
won't you take her home with you? she'll be at the Laundromutt in adams morgan monday april 20th, 6-8pm.